Don't Ever Listen To Dave
by RandomShnuf
Summary: (shit title is shit) One of the many dead Johns talks with One of the many dead Daves. John is stuck with dirty thoughts that was put into his head. What happens when this dead John meets his living self from another timeline? (Lets just say this story talks the line "Go Fuck Yourself" a little to far }XP) This is a JohnxJohn fic.


AN: An Alternate Timeline!John x God Tier!John fic. You could probably just call them Living!John X Dead!John. Whatever suits you. What would their shipping name even be? I want to say "To Much Air", but it seems to cheesy... Put your idea in the comments or something.

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You wake up surrounded by... brains? You sit up from your lying position on the ground, rubbing the cloudiness from your eyes. Looking around, you are now certain that you indeed are surrounded by brains. These aren't just brains, they are brain _trees_! The ground is some sort of meaty red substance. You jumped to your feet.

"Gross..." You grumbled. At least the place didn't smell.

Now that you think about it, where in the world are you? You weren't here before. In fact, you weren't even on ground. You remember flying on a hover board that had a flame design that you found going through the fifth gate into your planet. It was tough to maneuver it since it mostly flew upwards. You almost fell off into an ocean of oil below trying to keep your balance. You were flying to the stone slab to try to become God Tier. Rose had planned that everyone would kill themselves at once on their slabs. LOWAS is a hard place to travel; practically 70% of it is oil. The slab was oh so conveniently placed on a thin mountain in the middle of the pure oil ocean. Midway there... You remember a huge pain on your head, like something had hit you. You blacked out for a minute, and suddenly you were falling. The hover board was flying away from you and so was a black figure. You fit the ocean hard and was slowly consumed by the thick oil until all you could breath was the black substance. Then, you blacked out and woke here.

It took you a bit of pondering until you realized what had happen. You had drowned and died before you could reach your destination. You face-palmed at how stupid you are for taking more than a few seconds to realize your situation. You decide to walk around and see where exactly you are. There are people you meet in the afterlife, right? Isn't there some sort of Grim Reaper or something? Maybe you'll meet your ancestors. Are you even in heaven? If you are, then you are quite disappointed. You hope there was a Matthew McConaughey or Nick Cage copy. You would love to be a part of Con Air or Little Monsters. That is what you would call the perfect Heaven.

As you walk you hear a squeaky noise. Several curses and grunts are said in a familiar voice. You follow that voice as noises get louder and louder. The scenery slowly changes into a world that looks like the Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff comic your friend Dave made. Just as you turn the corner of a half brain tree half comic tree, you see your good ol' pal Dave fussing with a really squeaky smuppet.

"DAVE!" You shout, running toward your best bro

"Dude, I have this fuckin' smuppet stuck in my hair! I don't know how this is even possible! It just had to be the squeak fetish doll, too! Could you help me!" Dave grunted

You help him with pulling the doll out of his hair. It took a lot of pulling, but several hair tears later the doll was out. Dave rubbed his head furiously as soft 'ow's were muttered.

"Fucking hate these things!" Dave stomped all his anger into the smuppet on the floor.

You chuckled, "Hey Dave, when did you die? Did the quest beds not work?" You asked. You was sure he mentioned he was at his slab on Pesterchum.

"Quest bed? Dude, I died hours after entering the game. All you need is one smuppet to step on and into the lava you go."

"What do you mean? Last time we talked was when you were on the quest bed." You said, confusion on my face. How could that be possible?

"I'm not the Dave you know." He answered simply

"Not the Dave I know? What do you mean?"

"Well, we're from different time lines. Your time line Dave is hopefully still alive, and I'm dead from my time. Right now is like you meeting your best bro for the first time once again. You'll go through this a lot. Be ready to answer questions like I'm doing now."

"Okay, but isn't there suppose to be angels? Aren't we suppose to speak with God or something? I'm not in hell, right?!" You began to panic slightly

"You're in neither. There is no God here. You are just stuck living in dream bubbles for the rest of your life. You'll sit here wondering if that was the same Dave that spoke to you the other day, or if that Rose was just killed moments before. It's a confusing place, but you'll get use to it. You'll even see and speak to yourself multiple of times and learn about the many ways you have died." He stated bluntly

"Dave, you don't even sound like yourself anymore."

"Of course I don't. I dropped the irony bullshit a long time ago. This shit is serious and I might as well take it seriously, since I'm stuck here for the rest of however long I'll be here."

"No! You can't just simply drop what you love to do! That's not like you! I would have thought you would still be rapping and doing everything for the sake of irony even after death." you said, astonished and sad

"Look," Dave stared you straight in the eyes, "I changed. There are a sea of Dave's you can find that would be just like the Dave you know. I'm the one who decided to look at things differently. Until then, I'll act like your guide through the dream bubbles and show you what you need to know before you go off and play with five other versions of myself or anyone else." He started to walk down a path, which you followed close behind

"What are dream bubbles anyways? I've never been here before."

He turned his head, "Wow! You don't even know what dream bubbles are? I would understand if you died early like me, but you sound like you were well into the game. Haven't you slept?"

"No. We were so busy in my time line that I hadn't had the chance to sleep."

"Well then. You have a lot to learn."

The two of you walked for a while. You got to know the more serious Dave and realized he wasn't that bad. It isn't like he turned into robot or anything. He actually kept his sense of humor. He has his ironic line here and there, but not as frequent as you remember my own Dave speaking. You learned about the dream bubbles, the alternate time lines, what God Tier would have done for you, and much more.

Later, you walked into these aliens called Trolls. If you recall, there was one named Sollux and the other named Tavros. Sollux had a God Tier outfit on while Tavros wore a torn "Pupa Pan" outfit. Sollux's title was the Mage of Doom and he had a really cool symbol. You wonder if you would have looked cool in your God Tier outfit.

You spent some more time with Dave until the two of you tired yourselves out. Apparently, as a ghost you still have to sleep.

"Sleeping isn't always the greatest thing. You get no dreams in this world. Then, when you wake up you find yourself in a totally different place with totally different people who may or may not look like the people you were with before. For all I know this may be the final time we ever see one another. Lets hope we get to see each other more." Dave laid on his back, arms over his stomach. He slowly closed his pure white eyes.

"Yea. I hope we get to talk some more." You yawned, as you laid on you side and drifted into sleep.

It felt like months had pass before you found the Dave you met so long ago. While you were happy meeting more and more Daves, Jades, Roses, and different trolls, this Dave was a real refresher. The conversations were fun to have. The two of you told each other stories of encounters you had from Alternate Time line selves. Then, the conversation took a turn that you weren't even expecting.

"Have you ever thought about how it would be like with yourself?" Dave asked suddenly

"With yourself? What do you mean?" You asked

"Well, a while ago one of my other selves asked if 'I would have sex with myself'. I wasn't sure what I should do, but so enough I did have sex with myself. I took the line 'go fuck yourself' to another level. It was actually different. It gives you the chance to realize that what you lack would be made up in sex. Have you ever thought about that kind of thing?"

"Um... No. I've never thought of anything like that..." You trail off. You knew your face had to have been red from ear to ear. Having sex with your double? Are the two of you actually talking about this?

"Hm... If you get the chance, you might actually want to try it. If you don't find it weird of course. I just thought I should tell you. There are probably many other people here willing to fuck now that we are all dead, but going for yourself first is surprisingly a very good idea." He said, staring straight at a group of our alternate selves. There was one Dave in that group that had a really nice black suit with his record symbol on it. Seems like he has a slight limp.

You shook your head hard. Now he really has you think about having narcissistic sex! That's crazy! Then again, you'd probably never would have been able to have sex with yourself if you were alive. Could you really be able to pleasure yourself? You were severely confused.

Dave did change the subject afterwards. They rest of your time speaking with each other passed by normal. No talk about sex or anything. Just purely catching up. Eventually it came to the time for the two of you to sleep and part again. Only, you were struggling to fall asleep. All you could think about is the small part in the conversation about self sex! How does one even come to think about that, let alone actually do it? Then again, it was an alternate time line Dave that probably found it ironic to go 'fuck himself' or something. Eventually, you found your way of falling asleep.

You woke up from one of your many slumbers to something that was defiantly _not_ what you expected. In front of you was one of your many alternate time line selves. Only this one had the old bright blue baby eyes that you use to have. You sat up fast, successfully bonk heads with this living John. While, oddly enough, you tend not to feel pain all the time, your other self is rolling on the floor in agony.

"I'm so sorry." You apologize to yourself. You realized, as John is rolling on the floor, that he had a God Tier outfit. The Heir of Breath outfit is really cool. You've surprisingly never seen an Heir outfit, nor have you seen a living person that was dreaming.

Your living self got up from the ground, "It's alright. I must have startled you. I was debating if I should prank you, but you woke up before I could decide." He smiled

"Oh ho ho! A pranking master pranking his fellow double who is also a pranking master. I don't think we should go down that road. Might not end to well." You said with a mischievous glimmer in your eyes

"Hehe, yeah. Maybe we could do that another time. Are you... me from another time line?" John asked

"Yeah. Have you not met another you?"

"No. I've met doubles of everyone but myself. I never knew i would look cool with pure white eyes!"

"Trust me you wouldn't like it. I wish I had my old eyes back. I look weird like this." You looked down at the ground

He thought for a second. With a bright smile he said, "Hey, maybe we could switch places. It is a dream bubble after all."

"You can do that. I, however, am not dreaming. I can't changed."

"Oh... hm... well..." John scratched the back of his head, "How about we talk for a bit? The area would probably change eventually so might as well sit around."

Your God Tier self seems very laid back. Much different from the many dead alternate selves you have seen. Once your dead, you tend to get more edgy than being alive.

The two of you sat against one of the many sea bricks from the fallen castle. The area is an undersea themed place. One of the sea trolls are probably in this bubble. It is nice to be here; you can actually breathe underwater. Bubbles come from everyone's mouths and noses. Others can feel the water around them, something you wish you could feel at the moment.

John had some really interesting things going on in his life. This Becnoir monster he talked about sounds terrifying. It kind of clarifies why there are only trolls, lusus and humans in these dream bubbles. You never seen any other aliens here; not even the horror terrors you've heard of so many times before. John also spoke about how it was like ascending into God Tier, doing the windy thingy, and being given commands from an unknown voice. He had quite the adventure. You wish you never died so you could do everything your living self has done. You wonder about the Rose, Jade, and Dave you grew up with. You haven't seen them in the dream bubble; they would probably think you are completely different than how you were before and visa-versa.

"If you don't mind me asking, how did you die?" John asked you

"I drowned in oil."

"Drowned? Don't you know how to swim?"

"I was hit on the head before I could realize what happen. By what, is still a mystery to me." You sigh, you hate not knowing the exact cause to your fall

"Oh, I see... What were you doing that brought you into the ocean?"

"Going to the quest bed. I had a hover board that I fell off."

"Oh, I see. I used a jet pack to get to my quest bed." He looked at you with a slight smile

"Hm... maybe I should have thought about that. Then, I could be fighting along side my friends..." You chose to lay on your side. This was actually getting depressing. You couldn't believe that the one thing that could have made a huge difference was a damn jet pack.

You were quite surprise to see your living self so many times after the first meeting. He missed you from time to time, but you saw him almost every day! Every meeting came with new adventures, horrors, and surprises. You envied this John. He actually got things to do. The most you could look forward to is a prank here or there, or watching a movie with one of the many Karkats you've met. The flood of Daves began to aggravate you; every turn has a Dave. You wish you could speak to the serious Dave, but there was a tragic double death to a group of alternate selves. Your 'guide' included. Now, everything is pure irony, rap, and what ever is the "Dave" type thing.

Thinking of your "guide" reminds you of that one conversation the two of you had. You had forgotten about it a long time ago, and now is the worst time to be think about it. John is next to you, topless and in shorts. The two of you are in a Prospit like area thats being warmed by the flames of hell. It is hot! Just thinking about 'fucking yourself' in this heat is giving you ideas. You can't help but notice the small spasm that comes from his chest every few breaths. The dripping sweat going over his toned pecs. That's one of the big differences between you two. You never did grow muscles, you died with your pale, skinny body. This John, on the other hand, got stronger. The windy thingy isn't just some sort of mind creation. You have to be the wind after all.

You shook your head. This is one of those 'feelings' days; for all you know it might just be the heat getting to your head. That or you've been watching to many romcoms.

You didn't realize John caught you ogling him until he waved. You blushed and averted your eyes.

"Are you okay? You look red? Can you actually feel the heat?" Your God Tier self asked worried

"No I'm fine. It probably is just the heat..." You trailed off. He sat up from his lying position and leaned over, touching his hand to your forehead.

"Are you sure? You're really hot. This might not be good," He back off, "Maybe we should search for another dream bubble that's cooler than here."

John switched to his God Tier clothes. He helped you up and flew into the air. The two of you were searching for a scenery changed. You found Derse, which was surprisingly cooler than Prospit. The two of you rest on the ground; by that time you calmed down your flustered emotions. At least thats what you thought.

Can the double dead haunt people? You know one of the many Daves are defiantly haunting you _ironically_. All you can see is beauty in your living self. Why so suddenly?

You were once again staring, zoned out from everything in the world. John paps you on the forehead, throwing you back to reality.

"Are you alright? Was it not the heat that made you red?" John asked, serious confusion on his face

"Um... well..." You thought for a moment before telling him about the conversation from so long ago

"Wow..." he cleared his throat, "Do you really want to do that?"

"What! Uh... O-of course no-" you got cut off by a pair of lips on your own

"I'll try it you okay with that. This won't really affect us in anyway right? I am the one dreaming." He smiled

"Wha- Joh- Wha- This isn't like you!" You stuttered in surprise

"Like I said, I _am_ dreaming. This won't affect us to much and would probably feel unreal. Plus, it's not homo if it was only a dream and with yourself."

You couldn't believe it. _Feel_ unreal? Did he really want dream sex? To feel and do it all, and wake up like it was all a vivid dream? He wants to fuck not just a guy, but himself, in a dream so it wouldn't feel _homo_. He could leave you hear in the middle of sex if he wakes up at all! You wanted to say no. Deny it and wait for another day with another dead self. You _wanted_ to.

"If... you are okay with it, then I'll try it with you..." You couldn't stop yourself in time

Surprisingly fast, John is on you again with a full force kiss. If this is all only going to be a dream to him, then might as well make it good.

You've never kissed anyone before, and you sure he hasn't either. It's sloppy, rough, and a little awkward. You would think he would be softer, but you guess it's like Dave said, 'What you lack would be made up in sex.'

John licks your lower lip; you didn't know why, but you opened your mouth. His tongue dives into your mouth; it feels weird to have something roaming and tasting you. Both of your teeth clash together in the rough kiss as you began to suck his tongue with lack of anything better to do. He tasted a little like vanilla, oddly enough.

You feel John's hands going up your shirt and you shiver at the foreign touch. You had completely forgotten you had hands; too busy focusing on the kiss to think straight. You decide to bring one of your own hands to grip on your living self's hair. There are so many things to do at once and it was hard to pay attention to it all.

John brought his hand to your nipple and began toying with it. The pleasure jolted up your spine and you gasped. You tightened your grip in his hair, tilting his head and making the kiss deeper.

You made out for a while; everything around the two of you began to fade away. John moved to your neck, sucking and nipping along it. He sat in your lap, and you could feel his growing tent against your own. The kisses, the roaming hands, the heat, you only just got started and you already feel so overwhelmed. You were a cluster of soft moans and gasps.

You feel John pushing his hands against you chest. You're confused at first, but then realized he wanted you to lay on the ground. You went flat to the ground and made fast work with your hands. This position made it easier to grind on one another. Even with fabric blocking each other, pleasure coursed through you body in waves.

You tug on the John's hoodie and took it off his body. He took off your shirt and made immediate work with your chest. He tweaked one nipple and sucked the other. You brought your hand to his head once again, arching your back off the ground. He switched sides and continued his ministration.

You didn't want to be the only one getting all the pleasure, but he wouldn't move up. You're stuck grinding as one of your hands tried to grip at the ground below. You didn't want to be the only one making all the noise.

Time flew and soon enough the two of you were in your underwear. John finally got back to kissing you after reaching the rim of your boxers. You took advantage of the position and dived straight into his own with your hand. He moaned into the kiss as you tightened your hand around his member. You tugged and jerk him the way you would yourself. The two of you are the same person, so you guys would jack off the same way, right?

Right. He could barely contain his pleasured sounds. John ripped both your underwear and his own off. Before he could move your hand, you grabbed both of your dicks together and continued with your movements. How the two of you haven't blown yet is a mystery to you.

You are a huge mush of moans and groans and don't even know how you are keeping up your pace. You were close, and you knew god tier you was, too.

"I'm... I'm close..." you said

"Wait... stop.." John asked you, to which you complied begrudgingly

Your alternate self lifted your leg. You saw him appearify some lube, which shocked you.

"You know what you're doing?" you asked

"Of course I don't. I've never done this before, but there got to be a way to prep you. I may be the one dreaming, but this might actually cause pain to you." John continued coating his fingers with the lube. You wouldn't have thought your other self would have known what lube was. Probably was Dave who taught him that.

You weren't sure if you wanted to continue now. You couldn't exactly back out so far into this, but there are so many thing you don't know. How will you and your other self get his dick to... connect. How would he even fit. You kept on thinking like this to the point that you almost didn't realize that John put his finger to your ass._ Almost_.

"Are you ready for this?"

"Uh... yeah..." You said, trying to relax yourself

The first finger was defiantly foreign, but not as weird as you thought it would be. He moved around as much as he could before going on to a second, and then a third. That's when it got uncomfortable. He scissors his fingers in and out, stretching and preparing your hole for what was to come. When deemed ready, your living self pulled out and lubes himself.

You jolt at the touch of John's tip at your entrance.

"Are you okay? I didn't hurt you did I-" you cut him off with quick kiss

"Just go for it. We made it this far didn't we?"

He stared for a moment before chuckling, "Okay."

John thrusts a little harder than expected. You arched off the ground and clawed at his back from the pain of being filled. This wasn't going as expected. Your living self, sensing your struggle, began to jerk you off to the same rhythm of his thrust until he was completely sheath. You could see in his face that he was struggling to stay still. You were thankful; at least you get the chance to get use to... being filled.

You gave him the okay when you were ready. You expected him to go slow and gentle; that's not exactly how it went. When John wants it hard, he goes for it hard. He pulled out to the tip and thrusts back full power. For such a nice guy you would never expect this.

You arched off the ground like a bow. That felt amazing! You never thought you would be the masochistic type. John kept at his past, and you're reduced to yells of pleasure. Especially, when he'd hit that one spot head on.

"AH... There... hit ther-eeehAH!" you screamed out to your other self

You practically chanted 'harder' and 'faster' like your life depended on it. You clawed at his back while kissing as best you could in your position. One leg on his shoulder and one around his waist doesn't make for the best position. He let out moans as he went and you knew he was ready. He took one hand to once again jerk you off to his thrust.

"I- I'm gonna-" you tried to say. You came into his hand and all over your chest. You felt yourself clamp around your living self. He let a shaky moan and Just before he could let it all out he dissappears.

Your legs plop on the ground. You laid there, spent, dirty, and empty. It was so sudden when he poofed away, but it wasn't a surprise. Your god tier self wanted this to feel like a dream, and he woke up from it like a dream. Your curious how he must feel now.

You thought for a second you heard a couple meows and whispers, but you shook that out your head. You appearify a few towels and cleaned yourself up before getting your clothes on. You have some pain in your lower back, but everything is slowly going numb once again.

It has been month since you've seen your god tier self. You wonder if he even sleeps anymore. You felt a hand on your shoulder.

"Hey," said one of the many Daves, "Wanna go another round?"

"Yeah." You replied simply as you followed Dave to wherever he wanted to go next. Sex was something you've grown to know well, and its the most fun you can get from here. Not like anyone wants to talk much anyways.

If only you didn't lose yourself in more ways than one.

- End

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AN: Shit ending was shit but all well *shrugs*. Thank you so much for reading my first fanfic on this website. Review if you want. Give me a suggestion and I might do it. I can't guarantee I will do it. I have a mega list of Homestuck ships I made for myself personally for my writing. You can read more about it on my profile (Please put this at the end of the url ~randomshnuf . My permanent got messed up }:/) if you are interested. }:P

I probably jacked up the characterization in this fic. I'm trying to get better at that. I purposely changed Dave and Alternate Timeline!John. I had a feeling John would be more bold when he was dreaming...


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